July 17 2008

Text By Meera Sethi

Useful Facts When Encountering an Ostrich

They are über-manly: Male ostriches are polygamous and usually have three to five mates. Yow.

They are fierce fighters: Ostriches have been known to kill both men and horses. They may not have teeth, but baby, do those legs pack a mean kick.

They are wicked fast: You know how some people actually follow the 45mph construction zone speed limit on the highway? Yeah? I know you don't, but work with me here—if an angry, cuckolded ostrich on foot were chasing a law-abiding driver who just happened to catch said ostrich on a bad day, and they hit a construction zone? The ostrich would catch up.

Fortunately, it is possible to protect yourself. According to experts, darkness and silence soothe the savage ostrich. They recommend slipping "an opaque, soft stocking" (always carry one of these in ostrich country!) "over the eyes and ears and down the neck to obstruct the ostrich's sight and hearing."

To sum up: if you meet an ostrich, and it seems like it might be a little cranky, do not attempt to run. Instead, pull a sock over its head.

Got it? Good.