August 29, 2006
-Journal Entry-
Trust your instinct to the end, though you can render no reason.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Call it intuition. Call it instinct, but I swear I have known since day one. I know, I know...I am only ONE day late, so I could be totally disappointed, but by God the pregnancy test says POSITIVE!!!!! That would make me five weeks pregnant today and not a minute too soon.
Deep breath...because if all goes well and it's meant to be, I will have this child sometime next Spring when I am FORTY!!!!!!!! Steady now. This baby-making business is hard on senior citizens such as myself.
I have a lot of signs and intuitions about this since we were at the beach only a few days post-conception...I'm crampy, cranky, ravenously hungry, (yet food tastes strange) high basal temperatures, ligament pain, irritable, tired, averse to strong smells, my breasts ache, I have to run to the bathroom every five minutes and I get unusually emotional about everything. (TMI, sorry) I couldn't even watch the Hurricane Katrina coverage on the news yesterday without weeping. I am emotionally overwhelmed by the slightest nuance of feeling.
This is going to be a big deal for me, so I ask that you bear with me as I bear fruit. And hey, if you see an old, wrinkled-up geriatric pregnant broad out and about, pushing a stroller in front as a walker and trailing a preschooler behind, you'll know it's me.
August 30, 2006
-Journal Entry-
Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Well, the second pregnancy test also came back positive, so I called my doctor who said, YEP (hurray!) you're pregnant.
I can't get an appointment to confirm it with a blood test for two weeks yet, dammit. It IS official, but I want the ultrasound and the heartbeat and the reassurance. I'm going to be 40. This is my last and only pregnancy for my lifetime and I want it to commence! I want to talk about it, read about it, learn about it, write about it, and of course, document it photographically.
But it's too early to share it yet with anyone but a few people. Like you.
October 4, 2006
-Journal Entry-
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
TWINS!!!!!!
Yes indeed. It's official. I'm 3 people in one!
No wonder I've been so utterly exhausted these past few weeks...
Ok, mothers of multiple humans, help me out here. I am going to need LOTS of advice and hand-holding. Um, and naps.
I am SO ecstatic but also overwhelmed with racing thoughts about this unexpected development... there is now so very much to take into account.
Suddenly we have a family of FIVE! Suddenly this once-spacious four bedroom house is starting to look small...suddenly I think I need a larger vehicle to haul around my tribe of papooses. Suddenly I think I need a NANNY. Like now, for ME!. My official due date is Mother's Day, but my doctor expects me to deliver early with multiples- around April 15.
On the ultrasound I could see them moving already! They were kicking and squirming and their little hearts were so strong and healthy! It's all very encouraging but of course, I know I have to really take it easy with this one.
I'm over the moon, yes, but still a bit gobsmacked... Yipes! What have I done?!
October 22, 2007
-Journal Entry-
We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I went in to have a more detailed ultrasound yesterday and the first of several prenatal testing procedures. They can now do an early test for Down's Syndrome by taking a measurement of the nuchal fold on the back of the baby's neck in conjunction with a test of the mother's blood proteins to see if the little ones are at risk for Down's. Early indicators show that we are well within the normal range, but the full results will be back in a week or two. Due to my "advanced maternal age" they are definitely at an increased risk for birth defects, so it is quite reassuring to get any good news that comes along.
In sum, I got to spend nearly an hour looking at them yesterday since it took forever to get each one to face in precisely the right position to take the measurements. I was struck by how much their little profiles (much more visible than these grainy images would indicate) resemble my son Q when he was a baby. It was really my first bonding moment with them. I am officially in love.
November 30, 2006
-Journal Entry-
As soon as there is life there is danger.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
5 months and counting...
Tomorrow we go for the dreaded double needle amnio and will hopefully find out the genders of both twins. Amniocentesis does carry some small risk of causing a miscarriage, but it's only 0.5%, so that means that 99.5% of the pregnancies will go on with no problems attributable to the amnio. With my first pregnancy, the amnio hurt a bit but overall was not a big deal.
Frankly we're only doing this one because my son Q was diagnosed with Galactosemia- a rare metabolic disorder- after his birth and had to avoid all milk products, including breastmilk or he could have died in those first few weeks before the newborn screening results come back. We want to screen the twins prenatally so we will know if they are affected or not as M and I are both carriers of the genetic mutation and there is a 25% chance that each child will be either affected or a carrier. Q has a variant form of the disease so, though he missed that first, most important year of breastfeeding, his body is now more mature and able to process milk. I want to know if I will be able to breastfeed the babies so that we can start right after birth and share that bonding time with them that I missed with Q. I would love to be able to feed them both and offer them all the nourishment and protection my body can give.
Wish me luck tomorrow and a maybe a slug o' whiskey and a bullet on which to bite for the ouchy bits.
A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
December 6, 2006
-Journal Entry-
The South-wind brings
Life, sunshine and desire,
And on every mount and meadow
Breathes aromatic fire;
But over the dead he has no power,
The lost, the lost, he cannot restore;
And, looking over the hills, I mourn
The darling who shall not return.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
These are the worst days of my lifetime.
After the amnio one of my babies is gone. No heartbeat. I lost all my amniotic fluid as a direct result of the amniocentesis. I feel stabbed, robbed, raped, distraught, destroyed. The baby is still inside me, but no longer the active, alive person I just saw days ago, but deflated, lifeless, unreal. I lay there on the exam table, waiting. Waiting and not breathing while they searched in vain to find a heartbeat. My own nearly stopped when they never did.
The other twin is bravely fighting for its life but the prognosis is bleak that it will survive. I am in the hospital and completely immobilized on bed rest, forced to stay alive, forcing myself to drink gallon upon gallon of water to try to save both of our lives. They tell me there is a chance I too could die as result of blood clots from the deceased fetus. No joy. Bleak hope. The worst of the worst. I have literally cried my eyes out until all the blood vessels have broken and made my vision a bloody red haze. I cannot cry anymore. There's nothing left.
You will not hear from me for a while but you can pray and if you cannot pray, then think a positive thought for us in these darkest of days.
You can never sympathize with me; you can never know how much of me such a young child can take away. A few weeks ago I accounted myself a very rich man, and now the poorest of all.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
March 30, 2007
-Journal Entry-
For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is my view at 9 months pregnant, entwined in the leafy shadows of the lucky bamboo plants growing near my bath. Luck? I do not believe in it any longer, or chance, or odds, or probability.
Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
This image will most likely be the last document of myself as a pregnant woman in this lifetime as these are the final weeks of carrying my last child into the world. Only one month to go for us until my scheduled delivery in April.
The true biologically-induced frantic nesting instinct has not yet quite begun, but my little girl's nursery is coming along nicely. Her crib, one of two that has since been returned, is all ready for her, and I am stockpiling the cutest clothes and linens I can find, multiples of which, too have gone back. All of this preparation has helped move me forward and helped to make her more real to me as I fold and put away her tiny clothes and shoes. (But YES, as Rachel said, it has all felt like a huge gamble and a constant one step forward, two steps back dance with fate and time and chance.) Medicine took away one child and did nothing to save the other. Only months of bed rest and my resolve have made this possible. I have fought death to bring this child into the world and I know now that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit.
I wish these last few weeks could be a more carefree, optimistic time but alas, though she moves and kicks inside me all day every day, the loss of her twin has taken so much of the joy out of the equation. I really just hope that seeing her, holding her, having her in my arms, brings all of it full circle so that I can truly experience the kind of happiness that a mother would hope for upon the birth of her child.
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
April 4, 2007
-Journal Entry-
Though her parting dims the day,
Stealing grace from all alive;
Heartily know,
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Here she is, my little one...in the latest hi-tech 4-D ultrasound. You can see considerably more detail than we've ever witnessed before. You can really get the sense of a little girl face now with tiny up-turned nose and sweet mouth. She is lying with her arm snuggled in beside her face, just as she will rest in my arms in a few weeks.
At 35 weeks and 5 days, she weighs 5 pounds, 10 ounces and is about 20 inches long. She finally gave up her breech position and made the turn south with her head down and engaged in my pelvis. That explains the curious feeling I've been having this past week of carrying a lead cannonball around in my pajamas...
My doctor has pronounced me and my little survivor strong and healthy and above all, 100% normal. We're still on schedule for delivery on the morning of April 23rd. We are so excited to see her and of course, relieved every time we hear her heartbeat after all she and we have been through in her short life.
These past nine months have been both the best and worst days of my life, yet knowing this small person needed me to keep fighting for her, kept me strong. Can I just say one last time that no one expected this child to live through the trauma of losing her twin, but she has proven to be a brave little soul, and not to be underestimated. She clearly was meant to live, so watch for her in this world.
She has taught me that we are all of us, stronger than we know.
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My daughter Emerson Claire (a name meaning bravery, strength and light in the darkness) was born on April 23, 2007, along with her sister Rowan Grace, whose life we are still learning to live without.
Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old
~Emerson
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From The Rowan Tree Foundation for bereaved parents.
When learning that someone has just lost a child, people are often at a loss for the right words to say. Instead of simply saying "I am sorry" there is often this strange phenomenon where people feel a need to quote a cliche, which does much more harm than good. Here are some phrases to avoid when you learn that someone has just lost a child:
"It is for the best."
This is a nonsensical thing to say to a bereaved parent; regardless of the circumstances, it certainly is not a good thing that their child is dead. The pain and the grief they are feeling are enormous. Words like these diminish their grief, and trivialize the death of their child.
"At least you still have your other children."
Again, this is a rather thoughtless thing to say. The presence of other living children may bring comfort or not, but again, doesn't mean that the loss of the child is any less important. We are each individuals, and children are no different. Appreciate that parents have known their child as an individual, and grieve for them as an individual. Even if this child was an infant, or lost during pregnancy; they were an individual child whose parents had unique love for, dreams for, and a bond with.
"It is God's will."
This is rarely comforting or helpful. If someone believes that their child's death is the will of God, then they will most likely voice this feeling. Not everyone shares the same faith in the same God. This may even be an affront to someone whose child has just died; "If God took my child then why didn't he take away my pain and anguish? Am I being punished and made to suffer?"
"At least you can always have another baby."
Children are not replaceable. This statement, especially in the days and weeks after the death implies that children are expendable commodity items. While the idea of a future child is often on the minds of bereaved parents, it is not a matter of replacement. You would not ask a newly-widowed person if they will be getting married again soon. Nor should you ask the newly bereaved parent if they are going to have another child.
"I know how you feel."
No, you don't know how they feel. Even if you have lost a child of your own in the exact same circumstances - you have no idea how another person is feeling. Do not diminish their pain by saying "me too". When speaking to the parent about their grief, it may or may not be appropriate to voice that "you understand" what they are saying, but you should not go so far as to say that you know how they feel after losing their child.
Now that we've gone over some things that you should not say to the bereaved parents... what should you say? Here are some ideas of things that are supportive and helpful:
"I am so sorry."
"I don't know what to say."
"I am here if you want to talk about it."
"I am remembering your child today." (on the anniversary of the death or the child's birthday.)
"I know you are hurting and I want to be here for you."
When a parent experiences the death of their child, it is an acute pain and grief that they are feeling. It is usually best to just speak from your heart and if you find it is an awkward silence - that is OK! If you are at a loss for words, say so! Parents who have lost a child would much rather hear your sincere sadness and support through your stumbling and ineloquent words than some canned phrase that is thoughtless and hurtful.
Take a moment to think before you speak, but do not withhold your sympathy. The parents will forever remember your graciousness.