Photo & Writing © Tamara Paetkau

It is for me the ultimate nightmare, one I have had countless times: the death of my family. The dream has come to me in varying forms over the years. Sometimes one of my parents dies, sometimes it is one/some of my siblings. All these situations would leave me emotionally wrecked. But the most horrifying variation is one in which my entire family dies, leaving me the lone survivor. I cannot imagine life without my family; it feels as though my entire identity would be lost. As a child, these dreams would send me reeling into an emotional hell. Maybe many of my fears still present with me today stem from how real those dreams felt and feel. Thinking about that dream becoming a reality still has the power to render me terrified.

But over the past few years I have been working towards realizing a very difficult truth: I would/could survive without my family. They are an integral part of my reality, and they have helped form the person that I have become. But I am not defined by them alone. I recently heard the band Crooked Still perform Gillian Welch’s song Orphan Girl:

I am an orphan on God's highway
But I'll share my troubles if you go my way
I have no mother no father
No sister no brother
I am an orphan girl

I have had friendships pure and golden
But the ties of kinship I have not known them
I know no mother no father
No sister no brother
I am an orphan girl

But when He calls me I will be able
To meet my family at God's table
I'll meet my mother my father
My sister my brother
No more orphan girl

Blessed Savior make me willing
And walk beside me until I'm with them
Be my mother my father
My sister my brother
I am an orphan girl
(Lyrics © Gillian Welch. Song: Orphan Girl)

I will never be alone, and the spirit of my family will never leave me.