David Kozlowski
Guinea Pigs For Sale
It’s all right there, everything you need to know. Guinea pigs for sale. We’re talkin’ guinea pigs; not your Poland Chinas, not your Gloucestershire Old Spots, not your Saddlebacks. So don’t be expectin’ no bacon from these critters. And they’re for sale. Ain’t nobody givin’ these guinea pigs away. Maybe we don’t want ’em, but we ain’t stupid. We aim to make a buck off ’em. They’re guinea pigs and they’re for sale.
And no, they ain’t nothin’ wrong with ’em. They’re just too damned many of ’em. Turns out, these little buggers can produce five litters a year. Five. And they come out scootin’. They born with hair and teeth and an appetite. Start eatin’ solid food almost the moment they paws first hit the floor.
Problem is, you can’t hardly tell the boys from the girls. Bought this little pamphet, it says the only way you can tell a boy guinea pig is “the penis will protrude if pressure is applied to the surrounding hair.” Well, I ain’t doin’ that. I am not applyin’ no pressure to no surroundin’ hair. No sir. There’s some things a man shouldn’t ought to have to do.
So there it is. You want ’em, we got ’em. Guinea pigs. For sale.
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