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It is a little known fact that California is derived from two Nahuatl words: oaxal, meaning ‘pond,’ and afornha, meaning ‘land of scantily-clad women so astonishingly beautiful the very earth trembles with desire.’ Among the Nahuatl-speaking Aztlán peoples there was a legend of a territory…Oaxalafornha…located somewhere to the north, populated almost entirely by golden-haired sun-worshipping women (the men were said to be either aging, balding smokers of tobacco or handsome boys curiously indifferent to women).
This legend posed a considerable dilemma for the 16th century Spanish conquistadors. Should they continue their holy slaughter in search of gold? Or turn north to locate this legendary land and bring enlightenment to those poor, ignorant, under-dressed women? After much debate the matter was settled by Hernán Diego de Cuéllar, who uttered the famous words Oro primero, dudes, mujeres en segundo lugar.*
California has changed much in the intervening five hundred years. The natural ponds have been replaced by swimming pools, traffic congestion has gotten worse, and it’s harder than ever to get somebody to look at your screenplay. But the earth still trembles periodically.
*: Gold first, dudes, women second.
Editorial note: It should be noted that it is very possible the editor, like, totally made this up.
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