Pulp Fetish

Greg Herringer

Dear Reader: Alright then, here's the scoop. Really, it is a good news story, overall, but there are going to be some changes around here so please listen up!

Scrabble Player's Dictionary: I am not expecting a triple word score out of this.

Herbs in Pots: Shhhhh! I want to hear this, please.

Dear Reader: First, I want to thank you for all your years of service. It has been a pleasure to gaze upon your colourful spines, flip through your pages and to learn lots and lots. The time has come, however, to turn the page...

Devil Girls: Oh Puh-lease!

Dear Reader: ...yes, to turn the page on this chapter of my love affair with reading.

How To Read and Why: If he talks about closing the book on us, I will become unglued.

Dear Reader: Friends, as hard as this is to say, I am here to inform you that most of you are about to be boxed up and shipped out to charity.

(gasps, severally) What?!

Dear Reader: The time has come to embrace your electronic brethren. From this day forward, all book purchases will be in ebook format. For those of you who have been hauled about from apartment to apartment, packed and unpacked but otherwise untouched for years or, indeed, decades, I no longer need your services.

Consider Phlebas: But, you love us! We stand as a testament to your well-readed-ness and good taste in literature. You've even read me TWICE! How will you function without us? And really, books do furnish a room.

Dear Reader: Gentle friends, you have been indeed all that and more to me in the past, but I must move on. Tastes change, priorities evolve and quite frankly in this little downtown apartment, I need the space for my outdoor activity gear.

The Man Who Found Time: Bah! You were never one for exercise and such. You would rather spend time with us, on a comfy couch. This is all craziness, just a fad. How can you spend hours reading from a screen?

Dear Reader: It is surprisingly easy to read from a modern screen. Besides, you have all given me what I needed, be it knowledge or entertainment, and I will be hard pressed to forget such lessons. But most of you have yellowing pages and fragile bindings, suitable for maybe one more read, a read that I will likely not get to for some time. I would much rather have someone else get the pleasure of your company than see you slowly fade away in this dusty shelf.

The Way We Are: It wouldn't be so dusty if you took better care of us!

Eats, Shoots and Leaves: All those memories, all those good times we had, at your side, keeping you company while traveling or at night... and you're just going to throw that away?

Dear Reader: Didn't I say I would donate you? And for some of you titles, I am going to re-acquire you in electronic format when I want a re-read.

Cosmos: Billions and billions of typeset letters at your fingertips and you want rid of that? For ones and zeroes?

Dear Reader: Well, some of you are staying. Those that are well bound or have deep sentimental meaning.

The Scheme for Full Employment: That's me done in then.

Kitchen Science: Your Mom gave me to you!

Dear Reader: You will all find out soon enough who stays and who goes. A truck from the charity is stopping by next Tuesday for pickup and I have several clean boxes set up for the chore. Again, thank you all for your contributions and I wish you success in bringing joy into someone else's life.

The Art of Breathing: You will never do it, I am certain of that!

(Dear Reader exits)

Elevator Music: I guess I shouldn't tell you all about what happened to the CDs after he bought that Mac and iPod then....

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