professional recreationalist
…contemplating electric transportation
Do you know the story about Sam and the bike? You know that last year, he lived on one of those weirdass, seal infested, little rainy islands right? So I mean people on those islands they’re this teetering balance of personality. Somehow they’re unfathomably capable types who can rebuild a dead tractor blindfold, but also if you’re going to fit in it’s important to act like you’re genetically stoned, slightly out of your tree, tripping through the daisies and super nice to everybody. So anyhow everyone’s like that, and Sam fitted right in.
Well it was a Friday night, Sam was working at this place called the Bobbing Barnacle, a floating bar. He’s sketchy about exactly what kind of work it was, but he was more than just a customer, even if he wasn’t exactly getting paid in cash. This big guy walks in and he’s got the most insane, flashy, souped up bike, with two seats. Everyone stares like in the cowboy films, because a. the guy’s a stranger and b. it’s a bike on a floating bar, that’s not something they see every night. Oh yeah and c. the guy is dressed like a ninja. No seriously, those islands, believe me, I’m not making this up. Anyhow this big ninja dude he walks up the the bar with the bike, takes out a lock, props the bike up against the brass bar rail and locks them together. Then he orders a drink, I dunno a beer or something, drinks it, and then says to Sam who is standing behind the bar. “Is it alright if I leave this here?” handing him the key, “my friend is stopping by for the bike later.” Then the guy goes, and a week later the flashy bike is still there ,and Sam still has the key to the lock.
One night Smudger, who is this local cop; who is called Smudger on account of the way he always smudges people’s fingerprints when he’s taking someone into custody, but he still loves to take prints even when there’s absolutely no need, anyhow Smudger starts asking questions about the bike. Everyone talks about the big, ninja stranger, but Sam keeps quiet about the key. So Smudger says he’s going to come back with a bolt cutter and confiscate the bike in case it’s filled with crystal meth or something. Suddenly Sam panics, he feels like the bike is some special talisman he’s been entrusted to protect. So after everyone’s left, when it’s just him and Connie the barmaid, he unlocks the bike and sneaks it back to his place. Then he starts to get really paranoid, worrying that he can’t leave it outside in case he gets in trouble with the police, or meth dealers, or big ninja dudes. So he hides it in his bathroom. I’m not lying. I swear, I went to visit him and every time I needed to take a dump there it was, a giant, flashy ninja bike.
It was electric. I don’t think he ever rode it.
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